Overcoming Heartbreak
82
Introduction
Are you staring at the ceiling with sighs of grief ? Listening to depressive music with quick reflections of regret and longing ?
Heartbreak can be a very painful experience for any individual to overcome because the crushing reality of a fading romance fabricates certain self-destruction.
I had experienced a time when I thought it was the end of the world and nothing else could possibly replace what I had lost. I couldn’t eat or sleep and I would wait for a phone call that never came. I isolated myself for weeks (or months) and dwelled in my own misery with partial hoping that my partner would come back and everything would be back to normal.
Before you begin to struggle against your feelings of vulnerability and uncertainty, it may be useful to know what it is and why you’re feeling it in the first place.
The Drive: Love
Love is complicating and the dynamics of caring for someone else is staggering.
Chemically speaking, love may be defined as a personal “drive” where certain neurochemical processes take place.
What exactly happens when we run into that “special someone” that makes us feel so energized ? Romantic attraction is frequently out of our control; we can’t help how we feel ! This attraction is a significant burst of chemicals that make us feel good.
Phenylethylamin
Dopamine
Serotonin
Oxytoxin
Vasopressin
Have you ever run into someone that made your heart race and your palms sweat ? These chemical processes are the culprit and we strive for it once it happens. As the presence of the chemical activity continues and grows stronger, so does our “infatuation.”
I remember immediately putting my ex-partner above everything and everyone else because I was simply compelled to do so. I loved the way I felt (presence of chemicals in the works) and I wanted to hold on to as long as I could (addiction of the presence of chemicals) and I did for a good two and a half years.
Fading Love vs. Continuing Love
Why relationships don’t work out the way you want them to ?
“What doesn’t he/she love me back ?” “What happened to us ?”
Does this sound familiar ?
Sadly, the “drive” is temporary but there are instances where an even greater chemical process takes place (hence, long-term relationships) but everyone is different. Sometimes people lose that “special feeling” they had for their spouse ( the “thrill” is gone) and crave for more of that “addictive” presence of chemicals and thus seek another relationship. It can be completely one-sided; you may want to desperately hold onto what you have but the feeling may not be mutual. It all depends on the person and the situation but it may not be your fault that the relationship didn’t work out.
In long-term relationships, other chemicals take over (endorphins) and this produces a much deeper connection.
Fading love and continuing love is troublesome to understand (especially if you’re experiencing a resentful break-up) but these things happen. There is the process of loving the “infatuation” or the “addiction” of the feel-good chemicals and there is the neurochemical process that describes us loving “that special person” that makes us feel good.
After those two and a half years of commitment, my partner and I went our separate ways even though it was not what I wanted. I still wanted to keep that “dynamic feeling” because I loved the way I felt but my partner didn’t feel the same anymore. I suppose you could say we were in love but we weren’t “in love” because of the lack of “attraction.”
Overcoming Heartbreak: DISTRACTION
Heartbreak can be a dark experience to master. You could reside in your rapid daydreaming and ongoing feelings of helplessness or you could dust yourself off and return anew. Love can be out of your control but limiting your impulses is not. The best thing you can do for yourself is to distract yourself. Deplete anything that has anything to do with your partner. The fewer connections that you have with your ex-partner , the fewer impulses you have of laying around all day with repeating thoughts of “what if.”
No matter how much you want to, DO NOT isolate yourself around your friends and family. They can help you “limit” your impulses and let’s face it, no one wants to be alone in a time of “need.”
DO NOT immediately try to find the next “special person” to come by and sweep you off your feet. That is the worse thing you could do. It will not help you, it will only enhance your “addiction” and you will end up twice as hurt as before.
DO NOT attempt to contact your ex-partner by any means (at least for awhile until you think you can ‘handle it.’) because you need time to “recover.” If temptation strikes you, STOP and remember why it didn’t work out in the first place. If it didn’t work out before then chances are it still won’t work out in the future.
DO NOT try to think that things are “different” now and maybe your ex-partner feels the same way. Stop yourself because you are only taking a step backwards.
TRY to go out more. Spend more time with your friends and family and be more social. You may want to be in a dark room somewhere and stare at the walls until the paint peels off but PUSH YOURSELF to do the opposite.
TRY exercising. I’m not an “exercising” fan but I walked and walked and walked until my legs turned into jelly. You would be amazed how refreshing it can be
TRY to continue eating. You may feel like food is the last thing you need but EAT. Sit down and force yourself to eat. I remember not eating for days because I was so emotionally-damaged but it only made my “recovery” seem further away. Eat healthy and it is wise to refrain from alcohol use (because we all know that alcohol only suppresses things, it doesn’t make it better).
Conclusion:
Remember that it isn’t the end of the world. Departing love is painful but surrounding yourself with a bunch of “what ifs” and “maybe he/she will call mes” is just as painful. Overcoming heartbreak is a slow process, you won’t be instantly better the next day but there are things you can do to weaken your longing.
With regards,
Avie
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Here is some suggestions, why not you do some extreme activities like hitch hiking or bungee jumping? This type of activity can be fun and will totally make you forget about your ex. Or maybe you have a hobby that you would like to do after abandon it for quite some time due to the relationship with your ex. Continue on with your hobby and have fun with it.
As you can see, fixing a broken heart after a devastating breakup is not that hard if you know the right way. As mentioned before, you need to be strong and tough. Just think that a breakup is just a part of your life that you need to face in order to become a better person.
Goodness, you should NOT read my hub. I have become delusional in the fact that he is coming back. And he clearly is not. Thank you for the insight. I actually ironically removed all alcohol from my house and have been exercising more. How are you doing now?
Great article. Very thought provoking. I love it!
Wow! You are so spot on. I've been searching on google for tricks to help me get over my ex-girlfriend, I cannot believe you lived exactly what I am experiencing right now. Great article, it gives me hope that things will eventually get better.
its good to know i will be normal again..it hurts so bad
nice one. my life is being devastated after my girl friend walked out of my life. but slowly i am begining to drag myself out of this misery. i think the best stuff is to avoid taking the persons call. its gonna help you till you are okay . letting go is the key. life is too short to wake up with regrets. live on....... my heaart goes out to all those that are broken the good news is seems very stormy now but it is definitely not gonna rain forever.........................
as much as it hurts remember you will come out the other end stronger and wiser. I got rid of all his stuff, changed my phone numbers, email address and contacted all my friends and arranged different activities with them, I also started my own business and my focus was taken away from him. i also took up walking and when i feel sad i listen to happy music that gets me up and dance with all my energy, I have to keep reminding myself that this is a phase and next week this time i will feel different. all you lovely people don't loose your confidence you will one day feel that this was one of the best things that happened to you. good luck
Thank you. The breakup happened a week ago, with a couple non-helpful calls in between, and it's really hitting me hard today. I've been on the internet for hours, looking for anything, and this speaks so clearly and helpfully. I'm going to try and get out today and enjoy some sun, and not take her call; she'll call again, even though it was her choice to end things. She needs me (to talk about her problems at work) but doesn't want me. I've never understood "let's still be friends" - it'd never happened to me before, but now that it's here, it seems as foolish as I thought. We were engaged, planning a home together and children, and she seems fine to have decided none of that matters or is even important now. I've got to stop feeling sorry for myself and get back to the normal me. This has helped. I stopped crying while reading it and feel better.
Thank you.
This gives me hope that a broken-heart can be overcome and there is a full-life waiting to be lived that is beyond this pain. It's a wonder how anyone can live through such devastation, but it goes to prove how resilient we humans are even though it does not feel like that when things are falling apart.
My boyfriend and I were together 2.5 years, lived together for 1 year and I asked him to leave because his ex wife just would not let us be happy and he became so stressed by all this, he turned to drugs. I gave him many oppurtunities, even offered to pay for his rehab. Well I love him very much and always will, but I know what is best for my child and I. It's hard. I had regrets and begged him to come back at the beginning (glad he didn't). My daughter still to this day asks me to ask him to come home and that breaks my heart more than anything. It's now been 3 months and it still hurts bad...mainly because he immediately went back to his ex wife because he can't stand on his own two feet and she would not let him see his kids because he was with another women so soon after their separation. Well to all of you going through a heartbreak, I know it hurts so bad (the worse pain I have ever experienced), but I also know we will all get though this! Stay strong! As mentioned above, go for walks...it really does help! Get in touch with old friends! There is so much more out there, better. Look at it as a learning experience. You will be so much stronger in the end...I can already feel I am.
It's helpful to know that there are other people out there who feel the same way I do. It's especially helpful to know that I'm not the only one who feels delusional and as if I'm losing my mind. I fantasize about him being at my house unexpectedly with open arms telling me he was just kidding and he loves me. Sometimes I make myself believe that it will happen someday. Thinking I might be back to normal someday seems so far away though..
Thank you my heart still hurts so bad and its been 3months now.The relationship took so much from me lastly my job where we both worked..im unemployed now and a single mother and still wish hed call?wow i need to get a grip and prioritize..I KNOW Im addicted to tht feeling because Im an addict period so abstinence is what I need and Ive got so many other things to worry about.Not to mention he was 14yrs younger and not a good example Im truly better off IM A BEAUTIFUL PERSON INSIDE AND OUTSIDE and have alot to offer someone just need to stop giving it to the wrong people LIFE IS SHORT
Wow, just brokup! I hope 2find this useful.
Having suffered heartbreaks quite a few times, I am still to find out a way to get over it once it happens...I really dont know how to deal with the ravages of unfulfilled love, unrequited affection. I am trying to distract myself, to forget it all but strangely enough it appears to be so difficult.When I was younger, I would deal with it better.But as I grow older, the prospect of starting it all over again frightens and depresses me. This time I cant do it. I dont understand why God choses to hurt me in the same place again and again......God please let him be mine, and let me be his. I am praying for a miracle and I know it is within your power to work this magic for me..After all so many people have experienced it, so please let me have it this time......
My girl friends and I lived for 6 years. until yesterday she just got married without tell me of it to another person. I am dying, someone help me please. send me a message to enn007@yahoo.com
Hi Base, am also in your situation My girlfriend and I were in relation for 5 years, but she is getting married next month but the problem is she still loves me and I still love her but due to some personal commitments she cannot marry me. I found this article very good why dont you try to do something that you love to do, I love playing computer games so brought a dozen of games to keep myself busy. You too find out something to keep yourself engaged. Take Care...
I broke up with him after 5 yrs and we stayed friends for a while. He found someone new and I was surprised at how hurt I was. I was wrong to break-up but it's too late. It's comforting to read that others have the same problems and that, BEST OF ALL, this pain will eventually end. Iam addicted to how much in love we used to be. Glad you pointed that out.
I love him so much, but i come to realized he do not love me the way i do love him. He treat me like a slave, punch me any how, makes me to live in pain and crying everyday. But i thank GOD for this message today. With this i will learn to live without him. life continuel THANKS
I feel so pathetic seeking help from random websites =...\ I rea the entire article and all I got out of it was ... Time heals some. After five years I never bought it would end like his. I miss him south I can't even sleep ;(
I nd to lv again bt is nt possible after the heartbreak wat wl i do hs stl in my mnd everyday bt he hs fnd anoder grl wat wl i do cos i nd to lv again bt is hard d men lv me bt i cnt reciprocate pls tel me wat to do thanks
Dear Eloho,
I'm sorry things are difficult right now but you have to remember to love yourself first before you love again. Focus on yourself for awhile, do things you like to do. Remember, replacing a lost love without accepting the loss is just as harmful. Take time! Go outside, put on some tunes- walk until you can't take it anymore, work those feelings out!
Best wishes,
avie.
I REALLY APPRECIATE UR CONCERN IVE TRIED AVOIDING HIM, HIS FAMILY, BUT THEY KEEP COMING TO ME WHICH I FEEL SO BAD THIS IS NT JUST BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND BUT BOTH PARENT ARE INVOLVED HE HAS DONE INTRODUCTION BUT SUDDENLY SMONE CAME IN BTWEEN US WHICH I NEVER DID ANYTHING ROMANTIC WTH THE GUY BT HE ACCUSE ME SO HE LEFT BT TILL DATE IF WE SEE EACH OTHER HE WILL WANT TO MK LUV TO ME BCOS IS HARD TO LET GO BT HE HAS A WOMAN NW THAT HE WNT TO GT MARRIED TO IM CONFUSED.YOU SD WALK IVE DONE THAT SO MANYTIME BT THE MORE I TAKE THAT HIS GONE THE MORE I FEEL HIM I DONT THINK I CAN LOVE BCOS NONE OF THEM IS ABLE TO TAKE HIS PLACE AS A MAN I WNT TO LIVE WTH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.GOING SMWHERE I DONT KNW WHERE TO GO SO THAT I CAN BE HAPPY AGAIN IN LIFE PLEASE HELP ME IM GOING INSANE AND THIS IS THE 2YEAR BT STL HIS STL ON MY MIND BT IS SO EASY FOR HIM HW DID HE DO IT DOES THAT HE HAS BEING CHEATING ON ME I ASK THAT QUESTION HE SD NO BT HIS OLD FRIND WAT WL I DO?
You have to accept it. The best way is to cut off all contact, get busy. Really busy. Don't stay home. Exercise, socialize even if you don't feel like it. It's also important to have someone to talk to. They will show you what was wrong with him. Another technique when you r feeling bad is to say to yourself.... I am having the thought that ....(I miss him, he doesn't love me etc). This will help diffuse the feelings. He doesn't deserve you. Men are selfish, shallow and thoughtless. Your family and friends are more important. Hang in there
Dear Eloho,
I agree with Sj. Cut off all contact; yeah, it's hard but it becomes easier WITH time. It really depends on you to determine how much time. Do not talk to him, do not talk to his family, change your phone number if you have to and be picky who you give it to. Do not think you can't love again, you still have him in your system (your chemical process is going haywire). Hence, doing things you like to do or like Sj said "get really busy." Volunteer, do some yard work, discover new things. You are focusing too inward, look outward for awhile until the pain you are feeling turns dull. Please be patient and Sj has the right idea; your family and friends are most important.
Be strong.
avie
Tanx a lot u guys jst releave me of my burden i pray it wrk cos i really nid to move on and luv again d earlier d better tanx a lot
Hi please mine is this i saw a guy he so much lv me bt he was my girlfriend friend bt he sd he dont lk her again that he cant get married to her but my friend too dont luv hm as such bt she cant do without him that is in the aspect of sex.My question nw is should i date him because im scared i might hurt my friend despite the fact that she knew withing her she dont lv this guy and apart frm dat this guy has a baby when he was at skull the girl in question she is married bt the child is wth his mum he told me this wth his mouth so should i still go with him?though i told him i will think abt it bt on the other hand i think he want to eat me and my friend bt nw my friend dont know that we have being seeing each other please help me out should i go on wth hm or not?he also it seems is God that brought me to him cos he really want to settle down pls help me or watb are those sign i nid to consider bf allowing him completely into my lf cos i think i have feelings for him bt ive not showed it to hm
Dear Cynthia,
The only thing I can tell you is this: do you really want to start
something special with this boy under these pretenses ? It's entirely
up to you but if you think you have feelings for this fellow, try
to think about what your relationship would be like with him ..let's say
a year from now. You are saying he favors you moreso than
your girlfriend and your girlfriend doesn't like him anymore but likes
to keep him around for sexual gratification ; wouldn't that be a little
awkward to think about when he makes new friends at work or wherever
and they happen to be female ? On top of everything, he has a baby,
he has responsibilities to be fulfilled for a long time; is that something
you can handle while being with him ? Also, think about your friend, put
yourself in her shoes and try to think about how she would feel if she
knew you guys are dating or if she just sees you two together somewhere.
Would she feel really hurt ? These are very complicated pretenses to have
a relationship bloom from, all I can tell you is to think about this
rationally and when I say 'think'- I mean think with your mind- not your heart.
I hope everything works out well for you!
-avie.
Tanx Avie bt dis guy in question he look promising and he dnt wnt to let me go and i dnt wnt to be hurt pls should i leave hm knwing d fact dat he has a baby pls put urself in my shoe im falling 4 him already im comfuse
Dear Cynthia,
I'm not saying don't be with him because he has a child, I'm not saying don't be with him at all. You should look at your relationship with him- will it be as wondrous as you picture it or is it the chemicals (as I described in the article) that make it great. Look at the whole picture. Will the relationship be smooth and blissful ? Or will it be a little rocky ? Think with your mind, not your feelings. If you want to be with him then give it a shot and hope for the best. If you are doubting yourself already, then you already have your answer.
Take care.
-avie.
I've read this article and I appreciate it. I also appreciate reading all the comments above. Love is so powerful. I loved him so much even though he's not been treating me well for the last year. I admit he's said nasty things to me, which makes me so angry with myself for still loving him even though I know how he truly feels. I've always been a strong person until now. I'm always there for my friends encouraging them - and now look at me. I am so embarrassed. I havent told my family yet. I often wish I could just dissapear. I'm a scorpio, I'm supposed to rise from my own ashes, but I am in so much pain. I honestly cannot wait till it stops, until I'm me again. Give me my soul back!!
I met dis guy he is 33yr old im 24yr is it a gud match?
i luv dis article, jus wat i needed 2 move on
It would be so much easier to cut off all contact with her if there weren't kids involved. Now we have little ones and she has found someone else she wants to be with. Mostly because of the babies I speak to her every day. I know about her plans and where she is going over the weekend or for holidays because my kids are involved. I don't want to know, I don't want to talk to her and concentrate on healing and moving on but it's not possible for me to cut off contact with her. How do I deal with this? When she started seeing the new guy I realized that I was heartbroken and wanted to re-commit, but she has refused to be with me and wants to stay with the other guy. What's worse is that because of the children I will end up knowing all about what she is up and will have to deal with her living him , maybe getting married, going away together with my children and more. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS??? THERE'S AN EMPTY PIT IN MY STOMACH THAT WON'T GO AWAY.
I wrote the above comment about 12 hours ago and today something came to me that has made things just incredibly more bearable and here it is - every time I thought about her today I told myself this ; IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER , IT'S OVER. I kept doing this till my mind could move on from the obsessing and it has been incredibly effective for me. I feel infinitely better today than I did yesterday. Just facing the reality and not dwelling on fantasy and the past or the fantasy of solving the problem and making it better or getting her back and just telling myself IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER again and again until my mind could move on has made a gigantic difference today.
You might not want to face the reality of the situation. You might not feel like you are mentally capable of thinking this thought. You might not want to let this idea into your head. Maybe the pain is so great that you believe that if you dwell on it you will somehow get her back, that your suffering will make a difference to your loved one so you indulge in it. But the sooner you can let go of the relationship, the sooner you can get back to reality - and reality is that IT'S OVER, the sooner you can start to feel whole again and move on.
I really feel like I've hit on something with this and I hope that it helps you in your darkness. Believe me there is a way out. http://www.photopass.com
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K 2 years ago
This article is great because you talk about the "addictive" experience of love and romance and how all this affects relationships. Heartbreak is one of the worst things we as humans go through, and the loss of a close relationship feels like the end of the world. It can be very, very hard to recover. Thanks for all the advice and tips you gave! I think the most important thing is to NOT replace your lost partner with someone else out of desperation and loneliness. It's a fantasy I fight everyday, because I know I haven't completely healed yet. When you're strong and whole and ready for a new relationship, you will know.